Why I don’t wear make up (anymore)
When I was in high school, I used to get up every morning at 5am so that I would have time to; shower, shave, exfoliate, put on my make up and, clip in hair extensions before school everyday. Like most teenage girls, I was very insecure. The fact that I was over 6 feet tall didn't help. I knew I stood out. It felt like everyone was always staring at me. I knew I was going to get a certain amount of attention everywhere I went and I wanted it to be the “right” kind of attention.
As a woman, I had been conditioned to believe that people would only like me if I was beautiful, skinny, and perfect. We are conditioned this way not just by men but, in many ways by other women. Pretty girls have pretty friends and avoid the “ugly”, “fat”, or “sloppy” women as if they carry some sort of disease.
We’re taught from an early age that a woman's value is directly connected to the way she looks. No one tells us this explicitly but, we learn it very young.
Most of our mothers taught us that it is unacceptable to leave the house with out make up on. We are literally taught to be ashamed of our own faces. We are expected to cover every imperfection to impress men. Our natural faces aren’t enough, we have work harder to earn their attention and the approval of other women.
After I graduated high school, I lived in my car. I was homeless for almost 2 years. Suddenly, there was no shower, no power for my flat iron or blow dryer, and no money for make up. “Food or Make up?”, this is the question I struggled with this for a long time. It seems like a ridiculous question now but, at the time it was a really hard choice. All I had was my appearance and, the way I saw things at the time, it was all that mattered. How I looked was who I was. It was literally more important to me than food. I had also been struggling with eating disorders for years. Now, I was actually starving and I was still worried about my hair, my make up and honestly, my weight.
Eventually, survival instincts kicked in and I had to prioritize getting through the night over buying make up. I had to face the judgement of the world on my bare, unwashed face. At first, I was so self conscious. I really did feel naked. I was afraid of the way people would react to a giant, frizzy, blotchy, sloppy girl wandering around.
I didn’t have any make up or hair products, I barely even had any basic hygiene products. I thought, because of this, the world would see me different. I thought people would look even further down on me but, to my surprise nothing happened. Nothing really changed. People treated me the same, not that that was especially great but, it didn’t change. Men still paid just as much attention to me as they did before. I wasn’t a whole new person. I was still ME even without make up.
I had come out of my cosmetic comfort zone but, it wasn’t by choice at that time . So, it didn’t stick.
When I was 19, I moved back in with my mom. I was ready to get back to “real life”. I wanted to move forward with my life and never look back on my homeless past. Wearing make up made me feel normal again. I felt like because I looked better, my life was getting better. I still had nothing but, I thought I could cover my insecurities with make up. It was like a mask I thought no one could see through.
I wanted to create a new identity for myself. I started working night audit at a hotel and enrolled in beauty school. I still wanted to be part of the beautiful world.
I started at Toni&Guy. It was a very cold place, not the temperature, the energy was cold. Everything was metal or white, the walls, the furniture, everything. It felt more like a mental institution than a school to me. Everyone there dressed and acted the same.
I just didn’t have the same priorities anymore. All this “girly” stuff just didn’t feel the same to me. It used to be my whole life but, now it all seemed so pointless. I still wanted to learn though. I wanted to start a career. I wanted to get out of my mom’s trailer and, I defiantly didn’t want to work at that hotel forever.
I was working 10pm-8am every night then, going straight to school from 9am-5pm. I would usually just go straight to the hotel after so I could get 3-4 hours of sleep in an empty room before going back to work. I did this 5 days a week.
I still wanted to be like those other girls but, I just wasn’t anymore. They didn’t understand how hard I was trying. I was burnt out and it showed. I had heavy bags under my eyes all the time. I tried but I couldn’t keep up with them. I didn’t have the energy or the time to maintain the pristine image they did.
I remember one day, I asked a girl in the cafeteria for a lighter. She didn’t say anything she just stared at me like I was crazy, the way the popular girls in high school look at the “geeks" when they get too close. I looked up and the whole cafeteria was staring at me. Someone shouted, “you need to get your shit together”.
“Get my shit together?”, I thought; Three months ago I was homeless. I had put myself through detox, started working full-time, and going to school. I WAS getting my shit together. No one saw that though. They didn’t understand how hard I was working to improve myself and, they didn’t care.
They judged me more harshly than the men did.
It was maybe a month before I dropped out. I just felt unwelcome there but, I hadn’t let go. I hadn’t given up. I still wanted to be one of them. I wanted the power they had over me, the power to make other women feel inferior and, the power they had over men.
So, I transferred to another beauty school. Paul Mitchell seemed like the compete opposite. The energy was way different. They had a culture of fun and acceptance. There was a much more laid back and creative atmosphere.
I liked it at first. I made some friends and felt a lot more comfortable than I did at Toni&Guy but, after a few months everything changed. I wasn’t learning anything new. Our classes became redundant and I spent most of my time folding foils and sanitizing my kit. About 6 months in, they started making changes to our hours and some how, the 13 month program I signed up for was now expected to go on for 17 months. they asked us all to sign back dated contracts agreeing to the change. It was clear to me at that point that this “school” was more about profit than education. I dropped out as did several of my classmates.
After that experience, I was fed up with the entire cosmetic industry. I stopped buying make up, I even stopped cutting and dying my hair.
I realized what I thought was a form of self expression was really an act of conformity. I wasn’t expressing myself, I was trying to be what society wanted me to be. That’s not empowering, it’s degrading.
I thought I was learning an art but, they only taught me sales. Most of what I learned in either school was how to up sell my clients. It wasn’t about helping people express themselves like I thought. It was about convincing people they need to spend their money on an extra treatment or regimen of products because their natural features aren’t good enough.
The truth is, no one NEEDS any of it. No one needs to cover their face. No one needs to fry their hair with toxic chemicals. No one needs hundreds of dollars worth of product in their hair. Spending all your money and all your time on your appearance won’t make you happy. Being beautiful won’t make you a better person. It won’t make you smarter or more successful and, it defiantly won’t get you the respect you deserve.
We have to stop judging ourselves and each other so harshly on our appearance. When we base our own and each other’s value on the way we look, we reinforce these negative stereotypes and bias that have held women down for centuries. The idea that only attractive women can be successful in a world dominated by men is insulting and limits the opportunity of talented, qualified and, intelligent women.
I’m not saying you have to stop wearing make up all together. I’m only saying that it is not and should not be necessary. No one should feel the need to hide themselves. We are just as beautiful, just as smart, just as powerful and, just as impressive without it.
